Always Be a Wolf Read online

  As Chase worked on research that afternoon, he started to see a connection between Jolene’s comment about Diego’s promiscuous behaviour and what he was reading on message boards. He viewed many posts that suggested that gay men were very sexually open and revealed their fetishes as well as their interest in having many partners; but was that really different from straight men? Perhaps, he considered, straight men felt more boxed in like they couldn’t reveal their needs and lust as openly without appearing perverted. Women didn’t like it when you were overly open unless it was a topic that pleased them and when it suited them to hear. There were so many complicated rules with women and Chase felt like he had to hold back until receiving the right sign that it was safe to speak honestly without being ridiculed or unfairly judged.

  Of course, the other side revealed that gay men weren’t really different from straight men or women; their message boards were full of topics that could be seen in various places on the Internet and overheard in local coffee shops; opinions about politics, television, and music. Some revealed problems they were having and asked for advice and one man spoke honestly about being attacked outside a nightclub in an east coast city. It opened his eyes to some of the issues that perhaps Diego had dealt with in his life and he wondered how much harassment and discrimination he had faced over the years.

  Much to his surprise, Diego bounced back in the room shortly after 5, full of energy and light with a spring in his step that could’ve been revealing, depending on what he had done for the hours away.

  “Great news Chase!” Diego spoke excitedly as he clapped his hands together and briskly moved across the room and sat in his chair. Turning off his laptop, he started to unplug it as he continued to talk. “This afternoon you are looking at a man with a plan! I know exactly what we’re going to do for the gay men parties and they’re going to be the biggest thing that ever hit this city!”

  “That’s great,” Chase started to turn off his own laptop and slowly mirrored Diego as he gathered his bag from the floor. “Was this guy you met with helpful?”

  “Very helpful. It was a productive afternoon.”

  “That’s good,” Chase replied, ignoring the insinuation hidden in Diego’s voice, the familiar mischievous grin lifting one side of his mouth, his eyes focused on the items on his desk as he shoved various papers in his bag. “So, what did you find out?”

  “Work is done my friend, we’ll discuss it in the meeting tomorrow.” Diego insisted as he zipped up the bag and waited for Chase to do the same. “We must go celebrate now!”

  “I don’t know if I can,” Chase spoke honestly. “I made plans with Audrey to talk to the kids after work. She’s pretty precise with her schedule for the boys.”

  “Do it now,” Diego shrugged and gestured toward Chase’s desk. “See if they are available now. I will wait for you. I have to go talk to Jolene anyway.”

  “Oh…ah, ok,” Chase said and reached back in his bag to pull out his Macbook. “I guess that would be okay. I won’t be long.”

  “Ah, take your time,” Diego said and twisted his lips into an odd shape as he walked out of the office, pulling the door closed behind him. He could be heard hollering to Jolene in the hallway and loudly speaking to her about the ‘success’ of his afternoon meeting.

  Chase felt anxiety as he signed into Skype. It was a familiar feeling of vulnerability that made him more and more awkward with each conversation; he wanted to talk to his children and felt a longing to see them face to face and yet, their conversations grew weaker each time. There was a distance between them that had nothing to do with the fact that they lived a few provinces away but that they no longer saw him as a father figure but merely the man who checked in from time to time, someone they felt obligated to speak to. He sensed their disinterest and Audrey’s sincere attempt to reel them in was with much struggle.

  That day was no different. His ex-wife managed to gather his young children together in front of the computer. His oldest, Leland, was 4 while the twins were about to turn 3, so harnessing their attention was always a challenge. As they grew restless, the children would often hit and bite one another, followed by hugging, as if it was the most normal thing to do.

  “They are tired today,” Audrey warned in a stiff smile before leaving the children to talk to their father. And although their conversation was pleasant enough, it wasn’t long before they were practically spinning in their seats, clearly ready to erupt if they had to sit still any longer. He felt powerless and disappointed as Chet rushed away followed by his twin, Devin.

  It was just then that Diego flew back in the room with an apologetic look on his face as he rushed toward the desk, grabbed a piece of paper off his desk, his eyes fixated on Chase as he made his way toward the door. On Skype, Leland called out “Daddy’s home!” in a loud voice and suddenly, the screen only revealed an empty wall that had previously been the background to his three sons. Now, they were gone.

  Diego halted his step as Chase slowly closed the laptop. He felt crestfallen as if the last bit of life in him was drained and he was left an empty shell sitting at his desk. He normally would’ve wished that Diego hadn’t witnessed that moment but as he sat there feeling helpless and worthless, Chase didn’t really care. Perhaps it was best he knew the truth.

  At first, he didn’t say anything. Instead, Diego stood still as if assessing the situation, he silently watched Chase, who avoided eye contact. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t share this moment with anyone and yet, it was too late to hide it. Although Chase had never concealed the estrangement he felt with his children, it was a whole other thing to have it witnessed. It was a whole other thing to show anyone this side of his life; a side that was breaking him a bit each day.

  “I’m sure, I’m sure it meant nothing Chase. Children, they don’t understand their words. I once had a neighbor’s kid call me ‘grandma’,” He let out a self-conscious laugh, clearly hoping to remove some of the tension in the air. “Children, they don’t understand what words mean sometimes, it means nothing.”

  “No, it means something this time,” Chase spoke evenly and shot Diego a compassionate look. He appreciated the effort his friend was making to relieve some of his disappointment but he also knew that his kids saw Albert, their step-father as their real dad. He was with them daily to help them learn, to feed them, to care for them, in a way that Chase barely could when he did live in their family home. He was a father in name only.

  Diego looked helpless as he shook his head and glanced toward his feet. “I’m sorry Chase, I don’t know what to say. I wish I could help but I don’t know children. I don’t know how to fix this situation with your kids.”

  “It’s okay, Diego,” Chase said as he took a deep breath and stretched in his chair. “I know how things are but it still doesn’t make it easy to hear.”

  Diego grimaced and shook his head just as Jolene rushed in the door.

  “Come on Diego! Show me what it is you want me to see, I want to go home,” Her words were abrupt, as they often were with her brother but this time she suddenly stopped as if sensing the tension. She glanced from her brother to Chase. “What is wrong?”

  “Chase was talking to his children and they,” Diego hesitated as if to pick out the right words. “They called this other man their ‘father’. The man his ex lives with.”

  “Oh Chase,” Jolene shook her head. “You can’t take that to heart. They are children, they don’t mean it to be hurtful.”

  “I know,” Chase replied.

  “I know, I know,” Jolene piped up. “It does not make it easy to hear but you have to take with a grain of salt. It does not mean anything. They know you are their father. You know you are your father, that is all that matters.”

  Chase exchanged smiles with Jolene.

  “You and me,” Diego jumped in, pointing toward Chase. “We will go have a nice dinner, some drinks, it will cheer you up
.”

  Jolene shot her brother a dirty look.

  “What?” He replied jovially when he caught her expression. “You can come too!”

  She grabbed the papers from Diego’s hand and walked out of the room. Diego scratched his face and shrugged. “I don’t know what her problems is.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  Diego chose a restaurant that wasn’t too far from where they lived, an upscale establishment that appeared to cater more toward business class; something that suited Chase since the last thing he wanted to see was a happy family joined together for a meal. It wasn’t that he begrudged anyone their own happiness but at the same time, he didn’t want to have it shoved in his face. Chances were good that Diego’s choice had nothing to do with sensitivities for his friend but his lack of patience for children; he said he couldn’t fully enjoy a meal at a restaurant if someone’s kids were crying, throwing food on the floor and being ‘obnoxious’. In fact, he often referred to McDonald’s as ‘hell’s playground’ when Jolene suggested they pop in for something quick.

  It was a quiet setting with few patrons when they first arrived and Diego requested they sit away from the others, supposedly because they were having a business meeting. Once seated and the waitress left them to look at the menu, Chase cleared his throat and raised an eyebrow.

  “Business meeting?” He asked and grinned for the first time since leaving the office. “What’s that about?”

  “They treat you better if they think you’re having a business dinner,” Diego insisted as he squinted and held the menu away from his face. “They think, you know, that you’re important.”

  “I assumed you always thought you were important,” Chase teased as a slow grin rose on one side of Diego’s face.

  “I am amigo,” Diego had a hint of humor in his voice and he scrunched up his lips. “But sometimes, they have to be reminded.”

  The waitress returned to see if they were ready to order.

  “Let’s start with some drinks,” Diego insisted and glanced at Chase who shrugged in response. “What’s good?”

  “Well, I’m told mojitos are the best in town,” She replied with a smile.

  “Told? You don’t know?” Diego teased.

  “I don’t drink,” She replied and tilted her head with a faint smile on her lips.

  “Ah, you’re like this one,” He pointed toward Chase and winked at him. “He’s a good boy but me, not so much. I would love a mojito.” His tone was seductive as his eyes scanned her body.

  The waitress appeared to enjoy the minor flirtation as she nodded and then turned her attention to Chase. “And you, sir?”

  “Actually, I’ve never had a mojito but it looks good in this picture,” Chase pointed toward the menu.

  “You’ve never had a mojito?” Diego asked and let out a laugh. “Oh my! The drink virgin here! Give us two, señorita.” His eyes preyed on her as he passed the menus back.

  “Very good,” She nodded. “Anything from the kitchen?”

  “I ate earlier but Chase, how about you?” Diego asked and then added. “You should eat.”

  “I’ll have the chicken caesar.”

  “Great! I will return with your drinks.”

  The waitress left and Chase shook his head.

  “Why do you flirt with women?”

  “They like it, why not?”

  “You’re gay,” Chase reminded him. “It’s not like you’re going anywhere with it.”

  “I probably wouldn’t anyway but you can tell she likes it,” Diego pointed out. “And it makes her happy and why not make someone happy?”

  Chase considered his words and shrugged. “I guess.”

  The waitress returned with their drinks and quickly rushed away again.

  Glancing toward the drink as Diego took a sip, Chase grinned. “Is this why you’re growing a lime tree, to make mojitos?”

  “Oh! My lime tree. Shit!” Diego said as he made a face. “I should’ve swung by the condo and took it in. I hope it doesn’t get too cool before we get home.”

  “What is your obsession with that tree?” Chase asked and took a mouthful of his drink. It was more favorable than he expected and he quickly followed it up with a second drink.

  “It’s my thing. I like plants.”

  “That’s one hell of a big plant.”

  “I like limes. Good limes. Not that shit you buy in the grocery store that sit in a van for a week,” Diego replied dismissively. “I had that in Colombia and I had that in California. Here? I get that crap at the store.”

  “You just seem obsessive about the tree.”

  “I love plants. It’s a living thing. People and animals, they are messy. Plants aren’t and they give back,” Diego considered his words and sipped at his drink. “It’s hard to explain.”

  Chase nodded. He felt his thoughts suddenly drift back to his earlier conversation with his kids and immediately took another drink. By the time the waitress returned with his food, it was gone.

  “Get him another,” Diego suggested and the waitress rushed off while Chase turned his attention to his food. He ate and listened to Diego talk about his meeting with Jesse earlier that day.

  “He has an ax to grind with his old company,” Diego said and raised an eyebrow, a faint smile on his lips. “They did not separate on good terms so he was happy to reveal all their secrets to me, especially after a few drinks. Turns out he might come work for us. I’m not sure, maybe as a freelancer. Although, he likes the idea of competing with his former boss. That’s the kind of passion I need now plus he has connections to the community.”

  “That sounds great,” Chase replied in between bites. “That could be beneficial to us.”

  By the time the waitress brought his second mojito and took Diego’s order for another one, Chase was almost finished eating his food. The alcohol was helping him to relax and although he normally didn’t drink, he couldn’t see anything wrong with having a few for a change. It was a rare step off the usual track for him but wasn’t that part of life?

  “So, your research, how did it go today?” Diego asked.

  “Good.”

  “Did you learn anything interesting on the message boards?” Diego inquired.

  “I learned that gay and straight men aren’t so different except, well the obvious thing,” Chase said and took another sip of his drink. Across from him, Diego nodded his head. “I was surprised to read that a lot of gay men were actually with women at some point. Some even married women. I think it would be a bit of a shock to find out your spouse is leaving you because he’s gay.”

  “It happens sometimes. People are confused or for religious reasons, they try to hide it,” Diego spoke honestly, his fingers stroked the side of his glass. “It was like that when I was growing up in Colombia. People didn’t accept the lifestyle and it was back before the Internet and all that, so we didn’t have anywhere to connect with others in our community. Plus my family was very religious. They didn’t even want us to have premarital sex, forget with someone of the same sex.”

  “My mom was kind of like that too,” Chase confessed as he continued to enjoy his drink. He felt lighter, more relaxed, calm. “Big time. That’s why I ended up married with a kid before I was 20.”

  Diego merely grinned, listening attentively.

  “So how did you know you were gay?” Chase asked.

  “How did you know you were straight?” Diego asked back and the two shared a smile.

  “Fair enough.”

  “Ah, don’t think it wouldn’t have been simpler for me if I had been straight back then,” Diego added as he finished his drink and he took a sip of water. “But not much. My mother would’ve been like yours, insisting I get married. Actually, she did. I was dating a girl in high school and she assumed we were to marry.”

  Chase replied by raising his eyebro
ws.

  “Obviously, that wasn’t going to happen,” Diego said as he caught the waitress’s attention to order more drinks. “She was a sweet girl, though. Never knew that we broke up cause I was gay. I mean, she might now, I don’t know but probably not.”

  “Ever talk to her now?”

  “Nope,” Diego answered. “It was good though because she didn’t want to have sex before getting married or till things were serious, so I didn’t have to delve into those waters for a long time.”

  “Did you even want to try.”

  “I was already trying lots of things with my best friend when we had sleepovers,” Diego let out a laugh as the waitress arrived with more drinks. She quickly and smoothly grabbed the empty dishes and disappeared. “My mother would’ve died if she ever walked in the room late at night when he was there. Fortunately, she never did. Almost did once, but we managed to fool her.”

  “So, your friend was gay?”

  “I don’t know, I actually think he’s married to a woman now….I guess it’s normal to want to experiment.”

  “I guess that’s an advantage to being gay when you’re a teenager. No one is suspicious of sleepovers,” Chase said and laughed, suddenly feeling extra giddy. “My best friend back home was a lesbian and even then, we couldn’t spend time together without people assuming we were hooking up. They thought it was an act.”

  “People! They believe what they choose, am I right?”

  “Definitely,” Chase said and his thought drifted back to Maggie; her smooth curves that always beckoned his attention, those lust-filled times together when he would’ve done anything to touch her.

  “You wanted her, didn’t you?”

  “What?” Chase was surprised by his comment.

  “I can see it on your face,” Diego spoke quietly, his eyes fixated on Chase as he took another drink.

  “Yeah, I really wanted her.”

  “But she wasn’t interested in men?”